It’s not easy being a supermodel. From the millions of dollars to the pampered lifestyle to the constant fear of weighing more than a small child, there are many things that could trigger an outburst. One such incident happened last March when Naomi Campbell was charged with assaulting her maid with a Blackberry.
At first, Naomi claimed her victim was erratic and determined to extort her. She later pleaded guilty and was sentenced to five days of community service and ordered to attend an anger management class. The sly one that she is, Naomi recently turned one of her days of community service into a photo shoot with a famous photographer. Throughout this whole ordeal, she’s had plenty of time to consider what she did wrong. She convinced herself that this was merely a mistake and that, if offered the opportunity again, could do it over another time with much better results.
Naomi has hired top research agents to painstakingly compose a very thorough plan for anyone planning a cell phone attack, which they are calling: The Naomi Campbell Guide to Whooping Ass with a Prepaid Cell Phone.
Find the Best Phone for You
There are literally tens of thousands of different kinds of cell phones to choose from, and if you’re a supermodel you probably have access to any phone in the entire world. But which phone do you go for? The first thing you should think about is what kind of destruction you want to cause. Naomi was obviously going for maximum damage with the Blackberry, but not everyone is willing to inflict that kind of pain. Maybe you just want to smack one of your assistants around because she brought you the wrong mochachino for the third time this month. Or maybe you’re angry at your dietician because you gained an ounce or two. Either way, it is important to find a phone that best suits your needs, and a pre paid phone is probably the best route to take. A Motorola RAZR is a nice choice if you just want to slap someone across the face with it. Its flat design is perfect for getting your point across with immediate results and little to no bruising. If you’re looking for more of a beat down kind of phone, Nokia makes some good and (relatively) hefty clam shell designs, and the Nokia 6010 is great for either a nice rap across the knuckles or a swift poke in the ribs. Want something with a little more firepower? The T-Mobile Sidekick II is an excellent phone for giving black eyes and even knocking out some teeth, if that’s your kind of thing. If you’re a brawler, a hissy fit thrower or just a jack of all trades, it is extremely important to find the phone that meets your needs so that you can have your way all the time.
Bling It On
Nobody is saying you can’t be fashionable while wreaking cellular havoc. Naomi’s Blackberry was covered in rhinestones, which would give you both a nice grip on your phone and add some weight to it. If you want to go all out, you can get diamonds or other precious jewels encrusted into the outside of your phone. And if you can’t afford it, you can always go with the Bedazzler option which is cheap and effective. Other things you might want to consider are rubber slip cases for better grasping and keychain attachments if you want to turn the phone into something that resembles a medieval mace. Remember, this is not just your tool for doling out justice; it is also a communications device and an accessory. Make sure you have easy access to it, perhaps in a hip holster, in your pocket or in your purse. Finally, if you can afford it, you can have your phone dipped in gold or even get a solid gold replacement shell that will add a ton of weight to your new weapon of choice.
Make a Plan
If you’re going to go through with a cell phone ass kicking, you’re going to need a better plan than Naomi had. Sure, her assault was nothing to scoff at. But she didn’t have any kind of method to her madness. Let’s be honest, how often do you plan your tantrums? Not very often, right? You can remedy this problem by having and practicing a plan of action, kind of like a fire drill. Know what the best place is to get the best possible results and go over it again and again until you have it down pat. Maybe you want to whack a makeup artist in the back of the head because they’re talking down to you. Know where your phone is at all times and if you reach the point of attack, you will be able to perform it flawlessly. Perhaps this is bigger than just a random incident. Some foreign designer has been getting on your nerves day after day and you want to come at them with a significant and premeditated offensive. Sit down and think about what you really want to do. Go on a scouting mission to see the lay of the land of their apartment or house. Find out their tendencies; when they get home from work, when and where they go out, when they walk their dog and/or rabbit. Then when you have everything you need and you think you’ve got a handle on the situation, you can go on your black-ops mission. Make sure your phone is on silent and that you’re even more silent. Quickly get in, perform your cell phone attack, and get out even faster. Burn the clothes that you were wearing and make sure you didn’t get fingerprints anywhere. You should be safe if you were careful and your victim will come into work the next day with a nice little shiner or bruise and a whole mess of confusion. “I think I was attacked with a cell phone last night,†they’ll say. You’re damn right you were, you’ll think to yourself.
Cover Your Tracks
If you’re going to get away with your cell phone beating, you have to come up with a solid alibi. Whether you’re getting people to lie for you or you’re doing the lying yourself, you have to make sure you’ve got everything on lock down. Memorize your story and stick to it, no matter what kind of pressure you’re under. They’ll try to crack you, but you’re better than that. If you keep telling the same story, you’ll slowly start to buy into it yourself and then you’re money. If it’s a random attack, make sure to bribe everyone who saw it. Offer whatever it takes to get them to keep their mouths shut. You’re a supermodel and you can’t have your reputation being ruined by some loser assistant with loose lips. Lie to them and pretend that you like them. No matter how much it hurts, your career is potentially on the line and you have to get through this without a scratch. The tabloids cannot find out about this. Naomi learned the hard way and now she’s paying for it. Sure, she’s trying to turn it into something positive with her career, but you might not be that lucky. You don’t want to be picking up trash on the highway in an ugly orange jumpsuit do you? Community service is for regular people, and you’re not regular. You’re a tremendously thin goddess who will someday take the world by storm, there’s no time for petty crimes that may bring you down.
Coming Out Clean
One other small thing you might want to consider before whooping someone with your prepaid cell phone is to get some exercise in so you can get the most amount of force from your hits. Order that triple grande latte and do a few sets of lifting from your desk to your mouth with both arms. It might seem hard and you might feel a little faint because you only ate one strawberry in the past week, but it’s worth it to work those muscles a little bit. You will be much happier with your results if you have that extra oomph in your swing.
A successful cell phone beating should leave you feeling satisfied and accomplished. Not only did you get to relieve some stress, but you also got your point across, loud and clear. Those pesky assistants won’t be screwing up your orders anytime soon, nor will they be looking you in the eye, for fear of another lashing. Remember the most important details of putting together a competent pounding. Finding the best phone for you is imperative because if you have a phone that is too weak for what you want to do, you might look like a fool. Consider the weight and shape of the phone and test a few out on small animals if you want. Accessorizing is another important aspect of your assault. Whether it is diamonds or a solid gold coating, there are many different options for what kind of pain you are looking to inflict. It is crucial to have a well thought out plan and to stick with it. One small mistake and you could be looking at a huge public backlash, depending on how famous you are. Finally, always remember to cover your tracks. Lie, like your life depends on it. It probably will. Nobody wants to see a supermodel with a mean streak and nobody wants supermodels to go away. Who will model the latest fashion trends that will never catch on? You are an important person and you will be relevant as long as you stay respected. Kicking ass with a cell phone is one of, if not, the best way to do this. Don’t ever forget, you are a supermodel, not a normal person.